In a world where the majority of the population gets married, and at least half of that population stays married, why can we not seem to focus on any part of romance but the heartache? So many movies have heartbroken characters, SO much music is about heartache. Just wondering...

I'm watching The Messenger. Things like this show me how transient and stupid the problems I have are. I'm a pussy. I'm a bitch. I think a stupid fuckin' teenage crush is God damned painful! That's bullshit. I'm bullshit. Fuck...

I know what I lack: anything desirable. I can't fix that either. Fuck me. FUCK what I am. I am both jealous and devastated at this epiphany. I hate myself and I am upset with and envious of everyone. Yeah, I'm vague, but I'm too immature and inhibited to go into any more specifics.

Alright. I think I got it. I'm not amazing.

I am fully aware of my own foolishness. I am ignorant and pretentious and unaware and stupid. Only a fool would think himself knowledgeable, genuine, informed, or intelligent. So I contradict myself; fully knowing the transparency of the attributes to which I have assigned myself, I allow my fantasy. There is nothing good about me, and I know this. But I refuse to think it. In the back of my mind I will, until I mature and grow, hate what I am, but refuse to believe that I am it.

Am I that much of an ass? Am I that awful? Am I so undesirable? Am I so fucking bad? What is so despicable about me? What is so wrong with me? I'd ask, but that would be uncouth. I want to know. What the hell did I do?

Cynicism is always the vogue. I need to stop talking politics: it burns bridges.

I have a pretty bad case of poison ivy right now. Finals in two weeks. I feel like yesterday was a missed opportunity.

I woke up this morning the same way I woke up ten years ago. The same way I'll wake up ten years from now. The same way I woke up the day my father died. The same way I'll wake up the morning my dog dies. The same way I'll wake up the morning my grandfather dies. The same way I'll wake up the day my mother dies. The same way I'll wake up before I get married. The same way I'll wake up when I'm 40, 50, 80. The same way I won't wake up when I die.

In a good mood right now. Thanks, Animal Collective!

Bad Saturday. Really bad. I've grown spoiled.

Again, I don't know what to think.

I'm just in a bad mood right now.

Oh man. I'm pissed.

Upset at everything right now.

I've just been projecting what's wrong with myself. I cannot force anything upon anyone and I don't know why I tried. I'm just a fool...

The apathy is coming again. It's like a creeping. Huge bursts of emotion and depression and passion, and then...nothing. No love. No pain. Just fear and a bit of resentment that you take out on arbitrary things. Hopefully I'll start caring again soon, except in a more...reciprocal transaction.

I can't decide about anything. I want to so badly, but fear and inhibition stop me. I hope I'm doing the right thing. It'd kill me to know that it was my turn.

I just feel hopeless. Wanting something does make it happen. I want to stop caring...

I will save my judgements for the mean time. The success of all this relies on myself, not someone else.

AP Spanish 4 Exam tomorrow. My only chance to get college credit for 8 months of work. I hope I do well...

Relay For Life was tons of fun yesterday, but today has been awful. I woke up around 4 and I've been down all day. It's like all the fun I had last night is completely juxtaposed with today. I just kind of realize how awful I feel right after I forget about it.