I'm downtown right now. I came here for breakfast.

I invited some friends, but I guess it was too early. So I walked around for a couple hours, and it was...nice. I didn't have to try to make conversation. I didn't have to ask about someone's day. I didn't have to try to be funny or witty or thoughtful or kind or relaxed when I know I'm none of those things. I wasn't concerned with how I looked or the vibe I put off. I wasn't plagued with jealousy or feelings of inadequacy. I didn't fantasize. I didn't stare with envious eyes. I didn't ponder my short-comings. I didn't worry about boring anyone. I had no pretense. I had no obligations. I was simply...me, and it was nice.

I could admire the buildings without articulating what I liked about them. I could look at a book without remarking about the title. I looked at myself and thought: you're a pretty cool guy, Chris. I told myself, "Don't preoccupy yourself with 'ifs' and 'maybes.' And it might be sad that this is the first time in a long time that you've had peace of mind, at least you have it now."

So maybe I'm not an intellectual or a poet or a prince charming or a comedian or an alpha. So maybe I'll never stun someone with my profundity. So maybe I'll never enamor someone I'm enamored with. So maybe I'll never write a Shakespearean sonnet. So maybe I'll never provoke anything more than a chuckle. So maybe I'll never be the most confident or fit guy. Right now, for the first time in my memory, I don't hate myself. Besides, it's foolish to speak in absolutes.

I've never looked for pity. I've never wanted someone to tell me what a poor thing I am and how life has been so hard on me, 'cause that's bullshit. I've never wanted anything more than understanding.

Funny thing how people always say that you deserve better, but then no one ever gives it to you. You have to earn it.

This morning has been incredibly therapeutic, and even if the effects don't last, I'm glad they existed.